Fat Fitness Guru

Did I mention that The Maniac was into extreme outdoor sports? Like hiking and camping in the middle of the winter? Did I mention that he likes to do this stuff so much that he is willing to camp OUTSIDE, without a tent, in the MIDDLE OF WINTER on Lake Superior? For those of you that are unfamiliar, think Alaska, but colder. Did I mention that he has climbed mountains and would love to hit Everett if/when he has the money to afford it? Have I mentioned that I’m old and fat and have no desire to climb anything higher than my bed?

Hence today’s title: Fat Fitness Guru. I am soooo not a fitness guru, nor do I have the gumption to WANT to be a fitness guru. However, The Maniac is pulling me along for the ride. We have started walking everyday. Now it wouldn’t be so bad, except that my muscles scream that they want to lie down, they scream so loud that they actually stop me in my tracks, and I try to laugh it off… “Ha ha, oh look at THAT honey” so for a FEW minutes my brain and muscles can fight it out without my muscles actually WINNING.

So I managed to hobble down to the park. So what that it’s only 2 blocks away, I was IN PAIN for crying out loud! There’s the playground and The Maniac thinks this would be fun for us to do. HUH? I’m OLD… and in case he forgot, I’m FAT too!! I might break something, either the playground equipment or a hip. Oh no, he’s climbing up this thing yelling for me to come on. Uh huh… sure, where’s my damned camera? The City won’t believe it when they have to come use the Jaws of Life to remove my big ass from the monkey bars, if I can get up there to begin with.
So The Maniac tells me, "just hang on to this bar and then lift your legs off the ground". Ok the concept sounds great, but ummm, I’m crippled remember, and fat. So in my stupid-ass-ness, I grab onto the bar and lift my legs up. HOLY CRAP… the burning begins in my fingers, my elbows have gone numb, and I fall helplessly to the ground, barely getting my poor feet under me. You just can’t be graceful at this age and weight, no matter what you try to do about it. Meanwhile, The Maniac is swinging from the monkey bars yelling for me to come on again. I give him the “I will have to kill you later in your sleep” look and he laughs and jumps down, jogging over to the swings. I think that’s probably something I can do, even if the metal digs into my hip fat. Barely recovered from last weeks’ spill in the office chair!

I sit down ignoring the uncomfortableness of it all. The Maniac has started swinging so high, that I feel the posts pulling out of the ground. OMG… we are going to die, the whole thing will come crashing down any second, and I will be sitting here with a smile on my face, and a broken hip.

Ok, so that didn't happen. I enjoyed our swinging, even with the posts pulling up, I enjoyed the laughter we shared thinking we were going to break the swings. I even felt ok walking those few blocks home. But boy, that bed never looked better!

Next week I try to quit smoking for good! HA!