Flashback

I'm at a loss as to what to write here today, so since I will be going on vacation soon, and since I'm not quite in the same murderous state I WAS in a few months ago, I can now post the Easter story. Just so you know... this is a topic that STILL comes up during our conversations. He has learned from the incident and he will live... for now...

EASTER 2007

Violence may well erupt in our peaceful household.

Most people know that taking food from the Fat Girl is completely suicidal. You might just as well find a bat and hit yourself with it if you are even THINKING about taking, no wait, STEALING the Fat Girl's food. Most especially her EASTER CANDY!!!!!

So here is the motive just in case he does it again and I kill him.

My daughter and I bought Easter candy for everyone. We mixed and matched so that the boys and us girls could have their OWN Easter Basket. We know from experience in this family that sharing of Easter, Halloween, Christmas, Birthday or Flag Day candy is NOT a nicety we have like other families. We must have our OWN, and by that, I mean, no one else is ALLOWED to touch, grim, drool, or envy when they've engaged in pigery and gobbled theirs down in the first day. The Man, 'Da Baby Daddy, The Punk and I, and even The Baby had our OWN Easter Baskets, and yes, The Punk and I gave more of the candy to the boys since it's only right that they gain more weight than us during this time of engorgement.

I like to savor my candy. Sometimes there is candy left in my basket from the previous year, in my stocking, in my Halloween bag, and of course in my Flag Day bag. I count on this candy to be there. I like to treat a good day with a couple of "Fun Sized" candy bars (Not that they are all that fun, fun would be bigger than my head, but that's another story). So imagine my HORROR when I pulled my basket down from the top shelf and see all the pink, shiney Easter grass laying on the top. I dig and feel my heart drop into my stomach when all I see are 5 grape jelly beans and the nastiest sugar candy eggs.

OMG!!!! We were robbed... that's all there is to it. Someone broke into the house and stole all my candy. I walk down the hall crying to find The Man quickly grabbing me, pressing my arms to my sides.

"Did you eat all my Easter Candy?" I ask still stricken

"Honey, I was SAVING you from having to eat it all" he replies, backing up into the bathroom still holding my arms down.

"So you ate ALL my Easter candy? You didn't just HIDE it on me as a joke? You know what I said about taking the Fat Girls candy, so did you hide it?" I asked, hopefully.

"No honey, I ate it." Still slowly backing up.

"ALLL?????" Hysterical now.

"Yea, I'm sorry, you want me to buy you some new candy? I thought you didn't want to eat all that, you were just saying the other day...... " Still holding my arms down and in the bathroom now.

"YOU ATE ALL MY EASTER CANDY? There was like 18 "fun sized" candy bars in there, 2 Cadbery eggs, and other stuff, you ATE IT all?!" I feel the violence from the pit of my stomach, not even The Punk has been so brazen, ever.

He releases my arms, I give him a good kidney punch and he quickly shuts the bathroom door while I have my hissy fit.

I storm down the hall and purposefully leave my EMPTY basket out.

"Did you think the dark jelly beans were black jelly beans? They're GRAPE... ha!"

I didn't hear him come out of the bathroom, but as I'm standing in the kitchen, he walks in, "Oh, I didn't know that" EATING them!!!

Then, to add insult to injury, I hear him jiggle what's LEFT in my Easter Basket and look to see that he put RADISHES in it...

So your honor, that's why I had to kill him!